on personal branding

Someone told me yesterday that I seem to carry a “core sadness” around with me. As someone who knows me well enough to say that to me in the first place, I know she wasn’t blowing smoke at me. Taking it at face value: even if she was wrong, she perceived me as someone with a “core sadness”. How incredibly sad is that? Who wants to have a “core sadness”? Who wants to be seen as someone who has a “core sadness”?

Since then I’ve heard the phrase a million times in my head, banging on a drum, calling like the neverending song of a cricket on a summer night and a faucet that drips drips drips down the hall. “Core sadness.” It may be there, but that is not my personal brand.

It is not my siren song, it just can’t be.

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One of the problems I have with writing here is that somewhere in the years I wasn’t writing regularly, I lost my confidence and self-awareness. I got lost in the injustices and the hurt of experiences that are not uncommon to this existence. I know plenty of facts about myself, about the way I respond to situations and about what I like, but there’s not been a word to describe me or what I do here — or in any aspect of my life — that feels like it fits. I think I’m clever and sometimes funny and fairly intelligent, but funny or intelligent or clever — they’re not words I’d use to describe myself, they’re not quite enough. What I’m missing, I think, is knowing or naming something like a totem animal — or maybe I should say my “totem adjective” — something I and others can identify with that better illuminates the parts of me that I share.

Because I’m a blogger by day, I am exposed to a lot of chatter about brands and personal branding and marketing those brands to eyeballs. I don’t usually care so much about that stuff but like I said, sometimes these things hit home on a personal level. There’s no difference between a totem animal and personal branding, it’s just coming in a different package.

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We were watching America’s Next Top Model (shut it, it’s so amazingly bad that it’s good and you know you watch it too) and Tyra’s fancypants “brand strategist” came in and gave the girls each a word, their “personal brand”. Hey look, a totem adjective! I guess the purpose was to shape the way they were perceived and hone their focus into something, giving them something to strive for in their photo shoots that was not just staring blankly into a camera and desperately hoping they nail that perfect shot. Instead they were projecting something, maybe a more focused and easily digestible version of themselves, like a little piece you could put in your purse and take home for later.

The result, with the girls who actually internalized and understood their brand words, was clear. By the end of the episode, the most successful girls were those who had already identified with the word or those who quickly made it their own. It seemed to give them confidence and purpose.

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If I go back and think about the things that have made me happy and the things that made me “me”, they’re always these little projects I’ve done over the years. I set goals, I plan and work towards them, and voila — goal achieved, or if not, it was one great ride. Two recent examples:

birthing. I was a machine! I did Bradley and Hypnobabies and I ate well and exercised and even though my labor was a little rougher than I expected (30 hours from broken water to baby), I totally excelled at growing a human and getting him out into the world.

my work web site. A million years ago I was really unhappy with my job situation (mainly the type of people I consistently ended up working for and with), so I quit and took a few months to create a web site dedicated to one of my hobbies (playing casual games). After a few months and a steady stream of supportive visitors, I started to plan how I would never have to go work for, or with, anyone else. I worked my ass off and still do. A couple years later, the site is a vibrant and generous community and best of all it rarely feels like “work”.

There’s something I am completely enamored with about the all-in nature of throwing myself into a project, falling in love with it and nurturing it until it grows to fruition. It’s the same whether I’m smitten with people or smitten with things, this all-consuming interest and passion that I can set alight with a spark of my imagination. When I’m doing something I love — and sharing it with others — my heartwings flutter.

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So I think it’s pretty obvious what my totem adjective is, what my personal brand is rooted in. Here’s a hint: it’s the same thing it’s always been. It’s crystal clear, like the crunch of a fall leaf underfoot. It’s obvious to me.

I am smitten. <3